It’s been nearly a year, and I haven’t really written anything to you online. Your family has been in my prayers every night for some time now, and I think of you often. You were such a good and loyal friend to my beloved Krissy, and I am so glad that over the time the three of us spent time together we became friends too. I remember vividly all the good and bad times, from spending time together at my place and playing board games, to going with the Shaddix’s to the car show last year, to my last birthday when you came fashionably late at The Old Spaghetti Factory.

But the other reason I wanted to write was because you were in my dream last night. I had never seen you in my dreams before, until last night. I’m not sure what the purpose was, other than the obvious which is to let me know you are around as well, but it was so good to see you! The dream was that I was living in some two-story house I couldn’t recognize, and there came a knock at the door. I answered it and it was you and you were beautiful as ever. Apparently you came over because we had planned a night to get together to play board games or something. You seemed so happy, so vibrant, and it was weird because I felt like everything was normal. We were about to play something, but I had to go upstairs for something, and all through the night, I had one excuse after another for excusing myself to go upstairs to do something or find something, whatever. Unfortunatly, we never got to play any games, but you seemed understanding and still very happy as you left the house.

Still not sure what it all meant, but again when I woke up and remembered the dream, it was a nice surprise. Thank you for visiting me and letting me know you really are with us. You and Krissy take care of each other and keep smiling upon us.

 ~Charlie

Mom and Dad i do not mean to dissapoint or anger you in anyway, but this is just how I feel. I love you.

Dear Jessica,            You haven’t been off my mind for more than a few seconds in a day lately. I have come to realize that I need you more than I thought. In English we were talking about the one person you could go to for everything, and I noticed, that was you. Now that you’re gone I have no one. Mom and dad don’t understand me, and think I need help, the worse part is, if they didn’t see my myspace, they wouldn’t have even noticed how sad I have been lately. They have always just been concerned about Sarah, leaving me in the dark. I feel that it is too late. I can’t tell them how I honestly feel. It was you that I told everything too. My emotions have changed with the weather, and the closer it gets to Christmas, the harder it is for me. You know that it’s my favorite time of year, but I can’t imagine spending it without you.
Hawaii won’t be the same without you on my 16^th birthday, but if you can, in any way, please come to me and sing me happy birthday like you always have. And please, Jessica, please hold my hand when I get my tattoo. I don’t know how I’m going to get it done without you there. I’m getting your dream tattoo, the one you always wanted, In memory of you. Daddy told me in heaven, time does not exist. That would mean that all of us are with you right now. It’s very hard for me to soak in and grasp because I don’t feel like I’m with you at all, and if that were true, you wouldn’t even read this letter, or hear my cries. So writing this would be pointless… But I hope to God that my dad is wrong and you hear me jess, because you, you are the only one I can truly talk to besides God. It has been so long, yet it feels like yesterday. People say that they have dreamed of you, and have seen you in their dreams. I consider that a privilege, one that I have not yet gotten. I wish I could just see you, hear you, laugh with you, cry with you, and hold you one more time, but I can’t. I have become so cold inside Jake. It’s like all the warmth and joy left with you and went to a better place. Dang, if I had the choice I would get out of here too. Despite all the beauty and love in the world there is so much hatred, darkness, and depression. I think most of us are blinded by it. I bet heaven is breath taking. I try to hide my pain inside from everyone. It always seems like they don’t care, so I save my breath, and don’t waste a word. I think I have gotten so used to it that I barely speak at all and hide it all away behind a mask a constantly ware. If they only knew what I was truly like, and how I really feel. But they don’t care. I live in a world where everyone is so self centered, what was I thinking??? I went to our cousin Nick’s wedding last month, and the only thing I could think of was, what will I do without you? So many times I think about dying and seeing you waiting for me at the gates with open arms and Jesus by your side holding me tightly. I cannot wait for that moment, although, I am not one to commit suicide. What will that do for me? I wouldn’t see you anyways… and then I would suffer even more in hell. No, I will wait for my dying day, no matter how far it is away or how close it may be, I will die when God says it is time for me to come home and I will willingly leave this earth. It’s just so hard jess, living in a world without you in it. It feels so unbalanced and no were near the same. I wish I could have said goodbye, and actually talked to you that night. I want to take back falling asleep in your car. I remember you saying “Fine don’t talk to me” in a jokingly manner and I simply just said “I’m tired leave me alone.” If I would have just known jess, I would take every second back and tell you everything. Its killing me slowly knowing that you didn’t want to go that night, if only you waited till the next day or night, you would still be here, and I wouldn’t be such a mess. If only I didn’t let you leave! You looked so pretty that night, I will never forget, and I am however thankful I got to spend time with you that night before you left to get Krissy. I will never forget you two, no matter what. I hope I never disappointed you. If you saw me now you would probably be disappointed, and I’m sorry for that. I quit volleyball jess, it was hard for me to do it, but I had to. I love you so much! I wish you never had to leave. Why so soon? I will never understand… You are the air that I breathe and without you, I’m suffocating. 

I never had the chance to say goodbye, so here it is: 

This may sound cliché, but I love you with all my heart and words could not describe how much you meant to me. You are my strength, my weakness, my light, my darkness, my mother, my sister, my best friend, my life. Always and forever, Goodbye Jessica Hannah Blanck. 

I will forever carry on your legacy. 

Infinite x’s and o’sYour little sister “BOO-BOO-KACHOO”  

P.S. If You read this, please learn from this. You NEVER EVER think something like this will happen to you, but when you least expect it, it will, and it will slowly kill you, as it has already begun to do to me. I have seen and heard so many deaths related to drugs/alcohol in my life, I hope to never hear or encounter one again, so please, be responsible and mature. DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE 

Thank you.

   Oh Jessica, I just found out that you are not of this world any longer.  Your Mom just told me.  I only met you once, when your family came to pick up their little kitten, Emma, that they adopted.  You, your Mom and Your Dad, all came for the big event.  You were all so excited to have Emma meet Moses, your kitty.  I can’t believe that this has happened to you and your family.

Blessings. Leslie

www.AvantiBengals.com

well its been six full months and the pain of losing you has not changed! i guess it never will. i hurt so much for your mom, dad, and sisters. i cant imagine the pain they are going through. i wish i could take it all away from them. i cant help but be selfish and pray for you back, not only for me but for everyone. i miss you and didnt realize how much you meant to me till all of this. heaven is lucky to have you girl. i love you and miss you soo much.

love jess!

Jess,

I know you will never read this but I just have to write this out. I feel as if I am re-living the morning we were told of your death over and over again. I was shielded by shock for the first two weeks and now I am hurting, really hurting. I was so looking forward to you getting married and having babies of your own. You would have been such a good mom. I know you are up in heaven with our saviour and how glorious that must be. I am sure you don’t even know that we miss you like we do. Earth is just not the same place with out you. I wish I was with you. I feel so selfish for thinking like this but you were robbed from me way to early in your life. I just cannot let you go! I weep everyday now for you. God I wish you were here with me….with us. Living as a family of four is just wrong. Baby Girl I wish you could come back so I could hug you one last time. At least I could say some things to you before you went home with the Lord. Did I say that I love you enough? I yearn for your arms around me. I ache everyday and instead of this getting easier it is getting harder for me. When will this pain stop? I just want it to go away.

Jake – oh Jake I can’t stand being away from you….you were our first born and you were supposed to be there when I got old an gray. I miss you so much that I cannot even express how deeply I am in pain. It just hurts too bad.

Please come back to me and your family. I hate aching like this. I wish I knew why I had to hurt like this. I don’t understand.

Blanck Family.

You dont know me but you know my father, Ted Gosser. He came to me tonight and told me what happened and that I knew Jessica’s father. I might not remember him but im here for him and his family. No one desevers to have to bury any of their children no matter what the circumstances. Im sorry for everything that has happened. Your in my prayers. God Bless.

Jenna Gosser

Why does everyone set a limit, a time limit to when your are suppossed to be done greiving?! Why are people so cold, down to the fact that they insist on pushing me, “It’s time to move on” they say. No! It’s NOT time! There never will BE a set time to give up on the memory of Jessica, because if I did just move on, that is exactly what I would be doing, giving up on the memory of my big sister, as if she had never even existed. I won’t do that. It’s not that people arent’ supportive there are some, who  greatly understand there is this huge sting still there.

 I love my sister, and I miss her more now than ever. People have said about 3 months in you’ll look back and wonder…what happened? What’s going on? Where is Jessica? I’ve already done that, time in and time out. It’s strange, yesterday I was wearing those brown boots she just bought, the ones she loved and insisted on making fun of my more vintage black pair. I was wearing them and came across the movie “In Her Shoes” which completely reminded me of Jessica. See, we watched that movie together on the cruise in Mexico. Me, Bekah and Jess. It is a total sister thing. The movie to use was me and Jessie switched. Jessica was the less responsible “Younger” sister portrayed by Cameron Diaz and I was the older responsible one, with a lot of shoes portrayed by Toni Collette. It was somewhat of an inside Joke Jess and I shared, along the lines of learning responsibilty we were both in the same boat, but here is the thing. We were going through it together. Being so close in age it was easy for us to…depend on one another.

I drove about 2 years before Jessica was able to get her liscense. I earned mine at the age of 16, but she didn’t because she missed a drive or some whacked out reason. But nontheless for 2 years I had my liscense and she had to bum rides off of people. Silly girl. I remember when she did get her liscense she was so happy to be able to go here there and everywhere and not be on some time restraint. And the best part? Was driving around together. Doing all that sisterly stuff, going to the mall, out to lunch, Starbucks. You know, one of the biggest spikes I’ve felt from all the pain of missing her was, she never did get a chance to see me at work. She was excited, wanted to come see me at lunch, but everytime she could, she didn’t feel happy enough with the way she looked said she ‘felt like crap’ and didn’t want to make a public appearance. There was one day where she was going to come in with Bekah, go through the drive through and I was excited, because I was working drive thru. But nope, instead Daddy came in with Bekah. It was great to see them, but for some reason I’ve been stuck, numb on that feeling that, I really had wanted to see Jessica, even for two seconds that day.

 I look at my much bigger shoe collection now, the size has quite multiplied since last I checked, including some of Jessica’s most prized black and white converse that I had stolen from her once or twice to wear myself, and those brown boots that I wear just about everyday now. What is it like to walk in my sister’s shoes? Well she was much taller, if only I could grow a couple of inches or so. Ha. I want to live up to everything Jessica was. Everything she is. And it’s so hard to.

Recently I experianced something so traumatic so…well mind boggeling. It’s one of those situations where you automatically think “Well that could never and would never happen to me” and then it does and you’re left feeling, cold, insecure, and bitter. Sometimes I seriously hate the world and hate is not a feeling I should ever have within me. But without Jessica here, this beautiful person who helped me through thick and thin…It makes it ten times harder to be without that crutch, to be without that hand that held me up when I wanted to fall down.

I have Jessica’s clothes, her scent, her shoes…but I don’t have Jessica. And It’s darn selfish but I wished that I could pray to God and just ask for her back and he would. But then I know that would only bring her pain. There is reason enough for what God does. Why he makes us suffer. Lately it seems just about never ending for me. But then again, maybe I put that on myself. See? That’s where Jessica would come in hand.

We were so close in age, so close in growing up, building all these responsibilities. She would call me up on the phone in a fit of frustrated tears, worried sick and stressed about how she was going to afford paying for things, the bills and what not. And I would just talk her through it, also calming myself down about things. Being so close in age had that advantage. We were experiancing the same things. I love Rebekah, I love my little sister, but she is still in highschool, Jessie and I had been there done that. Which is essentially why we could help her. Help her through all the drama, past all the hurt and the boys.

But who is going to hold my hand now? After what happened and after what is still continuing to go on. I’ve been humiliated in the worst way possible. I won’t post it here, I won’t insinuate anything. But I could really use my sister Jessica at this point.

 I want you all to know and realize. Just because it’s been 3 months to fourty years down the line, does not mean you should EVER forget about my sister. If you have a memory fresh in mind, post it, keep her memory alive. I would hate to lose it. I would hate to lose the essence in who she was. Right now it’s the only thing I can go off of. And right now for a long time it’s the only thing keeping me going in life in general. The memory that Jessica existed, she would want me to be stronger. She would want me to be better and admit fault.

But, I’m not all better now. And for the people who keep insisting it’s time to get over her, it will never be the time to get over her. It will never be the time to say goodbye. Someday I’ll see her again and all the pain I feel right now will be gone.

I’ll just continue wearing her shoes and basking in the fun times we used to have. Because that’s all I can do. I hate to be morbid, I hate to make any of you feel sad. It is just how I feel and what I felt on my heart I needed to say.

Thank you for reading.

I love you and miss you Jessica.

hope you don’t mind that I may wear these boots out soon. =]

I really cant believe your gone. Its a constant pain everyday for me to think that i wont see you again until i die. I miss you so much and will never forget you. you know that. I remember all those times when i was dating Brenden McEldry and you were dating Brandon Degree, and we used to always go to their band practices. Dylan was the drummer and brandon and brenden played guitar. I remember we would always talk about how it was so wierd my name is Jessi and yours is Jessica and you were dating Brandon and i was dating Brenden. I remember when you took those pics of us there with  your disposable camera. i wonder if you ever developed those pics?? It would be nice to have them. well JESSI i LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOVE JESSI

Today is my birthday and I can’t smile for some reason. knowing that I m not getting a message from you on my phone or myspace kills me. I want to have you back and just say how stupid everything was. I never meant to hurt you ever. I love you so much. I keep thinking about the time we all went to bullwinkles for my 19th birthday and how i came home for my 20th birthday and we danced our butts off and stayed away from the creepy guys and how we looked so good and how much fun we had. I will never take any moments like that for granted anymore. this has shown me how I need to be the best friend I can be and the best wife and future mom( scary) I will take a part of you with me for ever and ever. I miss you and I wish I could share a drink and a laugh with you. I love you and I always will.

Kate B

In our short lifespans on this revolving sphere we’ve only seconds on a clock to spend with eachother in this creation. Sometimes it seems not long enough, and yet there are moments in which we get a special blessing. It is in those times, spent in Love, spent with Love that can transcend all time and become an eternal moment. One gift that our Princess Jessica Hannah Blanck has is the ability to stop time where ever she goes and create those eternal moments. Now that Jessica has been lifted up, as by the wings of a mighty eagle, she has left us with her gifts as a sign of the eternal promises of God. For we who wait, missing her so much on this swirling globe, in grief and questions, our Lord sends Peace to our hearts. A Peace that suplants the pain and fear of loss. A Peace from the place where Jessica is now helping Jesus prepare for our eternal reunion. Thank You Princess Jessica for your Dance and Thank You Lord for sending your glory to visit us for awhile on this world… With Love and from the heart of your uncle Don-