Why does everyone set a limit, a time limit to when your are suppossed to be done greiving?! Why are people so cold, down to the fact that they insist on pushing me, “It’s time to move on” they say. No! It’s NOT time! There never will BE a set time to give up on the memory of Jessica, because if I did just move on, that is exactly what I would be doing, giving up on the memory of my big sister, as if she had never even existed. I won’t do that. It’s not that people arent’ supportive there are some, who greatly understand there is this huge sting still there.
 I love my sister, and I miss her more now than ever. People have said about 3 months in you’ll look back and wonder…what happened? What’s going on? Where is Jessica? I’ve already done that, time in and time out. It’s strange, yesterday I was wearing those brown boots she just bought, the ones she loved and insisted on making fun of my more vintage black pair. I was wearing them and came across the movie “In Her Shoes” which completely reminded me of Jessica. See, we watched that movie together on the cruise in Mexico. Me, Bekah and Jess. It is a total sister thing. The movie to use was me and Jessie switched. Jessica was the less responsible “Younger” sister portrayed by Cameron Diaz and I was the older responsible one, with a lot of shoes portrayed by Toni Collette. It was somewhat of an inside Joke Jess and I shared, along the lines of learning responsibilty we were both in the same boat, but here is the thing. We were going through it together. Being so close in age it was easy for us to…depend on one another.
I drove about 2 years before Jessica was able to get her liscense. I earned mine at the age of 16, but she didn’t because she missed a drive or some whacked out reason. But nontheless for 2 years I had my liscense and she had to bum rides off of people. Silly girl. I remember when she did get her liscense she was so happy to be able to go here there and everywhere and not be on some time restraint. And the best part? Was driving around together. Doing all that sisterly stuff, going to the mall, out to lunch, Starbucks. You know, one of the biggest spikes I’ve felt from all the pain of missing her was, she never did get a chance to see me at work. She was excited, wanted to come see me at lunch, but everytime she could, she didn’t feel happy enough with the way she looked said she ‘felt like crap’ and didn’t want to make a public appearance. There was one day where she was going to come in with Bekah, go through the drive through and I was excited, because I was working drive thru. But nope, instead Daddy came in with Bekah. It was great to see them, but for some reason I’ve been stuck, numb on that feeling that, I really had wanted to see Jessica, even for two seconds that day.
 I look at my much bigger shoe collection now, the size has quite multiplied since last I checked, including some of Jessica’s most prized black and white converse that I had stolen from her once or twice to wear myself, and those brown boots that I wear just about everyday now. What is it like to walk in my sister’s shoes? Well she was much taller, if only I could grow a couple of inches or so. Ha. I want to live up to everything Jessica was. Everything she is. And it’s so hard to.
Recently I experianced something so traumatic so…well mind boggeling. It’s one of those situations where you automatically think “Well that could never and would never happen to me” and then it does and you’re left feeling, cold, insecure, and bitter. Sometimes I seriously hate the world and hate is not a feeling I should ever have within me. But without Jessica here, this beautiful person who helped me through thick and thin…It makes it ten times harder to be without that crutch, to be without that hand that held me up when I wanted to fall down.
I have Jessica’s clothes, her scent, her shoes…but I don’t have Jessica. And It’s darn selfish but I wished that I could pray to God and just ask for her back and he would. But then I know that would only bring her pain. There is reason enough for what God does. Why he makes us suffer. Lately it seems just about never ending for me. But then again, maybe I put that on myself. See? That’s where Jessica would come in hand.
We were so close in age, so close in growing up, building all these responsibilities. She would call me up on the phone in a fit of frustrated tears, worried sick and stressed about how she was going to afford paying for things, the bills and what not. And I would just talk her through it, also calming myself down about things. Being so close in age had that advantage. We were experiancing the same things. I love Rebekah, I love my little sister, but she is still in highschool, Jessie and I had been there done that. Which is essentially why we could help her. Help her through all the drama, past all the hurt and the boys.
But who is going to hold my hand now? After what happened and after what is still continuing to go on. I’ve been humiliated in the worst way possible. I won’t post it here, I won’t insinuate anything. But I could really use my sister Jessica at this point.
 I want you all to know and realize. Just because it’s been 3 months to fourty years down the line, does not mean you should EVER forget about my sister. If you have a memory fresh in mind, post it, keep her memory alive. I would hate to lose it. I would hate to lose the essence in who she was. Right now it’s the only thing I can go off of. And right now for a long time it’s the only thing keeping me going in life in general. The memory that Jessica existed, she would want me to be stronger. She would want me to be better and admit fault.
But, I’m not all better now. And for the people who keep insisting it’s time to get over her, it will never be the time to get over her. It will never be the time to say goodbye. Someday I’ll see her again and all the pain I feel right now will be gone.
I’ll just continue wearing her shoes and basking in the fun times we used to have. Because that’s all I can do. I hate to be morbid, I hate to make any of you feel sad. It is just how I feel and what I felt on my heart I needed to say.
Thank you for reading.
I love you and miss you Jessica.
hope you don’t mind that I may wear these boots out soon. =]
I remember when you took those pics of us there with your disposable camera. i wonder if you ever developed those pics?? It would be nice to have them. well JESSI i LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can’t even count how many times we went shopping together, you were there for me for all the bad times and good times. I remember how we hated each others perfumes and we would have wars to see who could spray more, and when you would come see me at OSU you would bring 2 weeks worth of clothes. I just keep thinking how high school was so good for us. We would laugh until 3 am every weekend, my parents or yours would have to come tell us to be quiet. I remember when you were on the search for the perfect boyfriend, no guy would ever step up to your standards, How many nights we were at Shari’s with all of our friends and laughing, getting kicked out. How it took you forever to get your license, how I was always the one carting us around. You were the best friend I could of ever asked for, you and your family mean the world to me, I know you will look after all the ones you love. I will always love and remember you. I miss you.